That was fun! We've just finished watching Part Two courtesy of a Sky+ recording, and enjoyed it a lot.

The overall look is much improved from Hogfather, with better indoor sets and outdoor location work thanks to a bigger budget. David Jason and Sean Astin played very well off one another (even though Rincewind in the books is much younger, and Twoflower is Auriental, but making him Hammerkin is OK, I suppose: the cliché-tourist version of both is a great taker of snapshots.) Tim Curry showed his teeth a lot and Jeremy Irons made a great Patrician – unnamed, but obviously Vetinari, complete with Wuffles-as-a-puppy.

"What are we going to do with you, you little scamp?" immediately became a favourite soundbite...

...Unlike "wearing a wet copper armour and shouting all gods are--" (at which point the production had second thoughts about Rincewind's line.)

This one's a real niggle, because the word 'bastards' is in the book and it's what was shot; watch David Jason’s mouth. Even this mouth-movement was pixellated out during last week's trailers, but I didn't think the actual broadcast would be censored; I was mistaken. If post-production thought their redub to "idiots" wouldn't be noticed, they were mistaken. It's partly hidden by a sound-effect clatter of rock, which only points up how clumsy it is. Try this: since "bastards" turned out a no-no, then instead of bowdlerising it, drown the entire word with the rock-clatter. Beep it out with convenient local noises. Just as effective, and maybe even funny.

SFX is spotty and needs work to even it out from the highs of the view of Ankh-Morpork to the lows of green-screen horseback closeups (check how people rise in the saddle at a real gallop and bounce faster, guys!) - though I liked the dragons a lot, their appropriate upside-down roosting posture a well-thought-out idea. Action sequences could be a lot better, the swordfights in particular being clang-clish-clang knife-sharpening exercises (swashbuckling isn't what the Discworld is about, but still...)

Pacing overall is much improved on Hogfather, but still sporadically sluggish, especially in dialogue. Some exchanges that should be crisply delivered instead come out Slow And Portentous, (all right if the subject matter warrants it, otherwise not), and even though characters who dot their speech with needless Significant Pauses are mocked in the books, too many such pauses remain on the screen.

The fault here isn't the writing, though there were a number of places where I'd have trimmed hard. (I've done it before: 'deliver this in a leisurely way - if you can.') However the direction still lacks punch. I don't know whether Terry comments about this anywhere, but Vadim Jean remains too fond of admiring the view whether real or CGI, unwilling to cut an over-lengthy close-up, reluctant to alter a good line "taken straight from the book": maybe he's still a bit too respectful of the original material. Nothing wrong there, except that good prose dialogue doesn't invariably become effective screenplay dialogue.

In case you think I'm sticking the boot in, I'm not. Read the first paragraph again, then consider that my few subsequent paragraphs of criticism cover nearly four hours of TV time. The Colour of Magic is definitely fun, stuck much closer to the original material than any Hollywood suit could stomach, and I have a feeling that the next one (Going Postal, apparently) will be better yet.

Last night we watched the 1963 movie of From Russia with Love on ITV-4, I read the 1957 novel only a couple of weeks ago, and the conjunction produced a bit of wishful thinking. It would be great to see the novel's plot faithfully used for a period movie.

It would need a desaturated palette and a stark mid-Cold War look, including much use of grey, brutally massive Stalinist architecture during the initial Moscow scene-setting. There would be no gadgets except for those mentioned in the book: Bond's briefcase with its concealed daggers, ammo and gold coins, and a couple of bad-guy guns disguised respectively as a book and a telephone. Most of all, there'd be no mention of the fictional organisation SPECTRE. Bond's enemy would be SMERSH.

Which, according to Fleming, was a branch of MGB, the Ministry of State Security, though if you want to be unkind, this is another of those mistakes, since the real SMERSH went out of business in 1946, and MGB had become MVD then KGB in 1953-54 (having been Cheka, GPU, OGPU, NKVD and a swarm of lettered sub-groups with varying responsibilities.) I can't blame him, though; keeping track of alphabet soup must get really dull for someone not writing history, and as for SMERSH...

How could any thriller-writer not fall in love with a department whose name (SMiERt SHpionam) means "Death to Spies"? – even though it's a remit close enough to that of the Double-O section that the Good and the Bad Guys would fit uneasily but appropriately in the same pigeon-hole.

Such a movie won't happen, of course. The Bond movie franchise just got a reboot into this century, and I can't imagine them wanting to go back 50 years into the last one. But it's an entertaining daydream. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks Vladimir Putin looks like a Bond villain. He certainly has the background for it.

You can take the man out of the KGB, but can you take the KGB out of the man? And would this man let you?

I've been re-reading Ian Fleming's James Bond novels – period pieces all, with a protagonist very different from the debonair gentleman spy of the movies. Sean Connery came closest in Dr No, when he told a villain that he knew the man's gun was empty – "That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six" – then shot him. Twice. The second was a carefully-placed execution round, and though Bond’s double-O license to kill certainly includes execution of traitors and double agents (as in the beginning of the recent Casino Royale, though in my view the Dr No one seems more brutal), a shooting in cold blood, however justified, always has a nastier feel than any amount of action gunplay. M in Goldeneye described Bond as a "sexist, misogynist dinosaur," but the Bond of the books is even less appealing; he's a chain-smoking, alcoholic, xenophobic, culturally illiterate snob. Unusual material for a hero and cultural icon, but there you go.

Why Fleming? It's because I recently discovered an on-line version of his essay, How to Write a Thriller, and was curious to see how his rules applied to the finished product. The essay is too frequently edited, or copied from an edited source, but this one seems complete, and I saved it at once for inclusion in my computer folder "Tools of the Trade"– but, though it wouldn't be proper to edit the original, I couldn't keep from adding footnotes, thus becoming part of a long tradition. Kingsley Amis (in The James Bond Dossier, a thoroughly entertaining lit-crit of the novels) mentioned that even then (1965) catching Fleming out in mistakes was something of an amateur sport.

The notorious business of The Wrong Holster is one of the best-known. Geoffrey Boothroyd, a firearms expert (and, obviously, fan of the books) wrote to Fleming about improving what he saw as 007's rather inadequate guns. It was Boothroyd, later Tuckerized as "Major Boothroyd, the Armourer," who famously dismissed Bond’s .25 Beretta 418 as a "lady’s gun." It really is a pipsqueak weapon, though more than enough for execution and contact-range covert killing. He suggested that Bond be given a .38 Smith & Wesson Centennial Airweight, a snub-nosed revolver of the type associated with screen detectives and private eyes, and that it be carried in a "Lightning" Berns-Martin Triple Draw Holster. (Steve McQueen in Bullitt wears something very similar.)

Fleming fumbled the catch a bit. He equipped Bond with this holster all right (I think he liked the sound of its elaborate name) but instead of the revolver, put the iconic Walther PPK automatic in it. This pairing would never work: the holster is purpose-designed for a revolver, held in place by a curved spring around the cylinder. Automatics don't have cylinders, and the Walther is a distinctly flat example. Worse, when used as a shoulder-holster, the "Lightning" is worn upside-down. Result: the Walther would fall out every time. Oops. (Of course there are apologists who suggest that the Armourer meant a custom-built holster for the Walther. I suggest that Fleming got it wrong.)

Oddly enough, though Boothroyd did indeed recommend the Walther, it was as a weapon for the Bad Guys! I'm surprised Fleming didn’t take him up on it, because I can't think of any instance in the Bond novels when Germans or Germany are mentioned favourably; the people and the country are always seen as a threat to England (but not, apparently, to Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland.) Since this tic even spills over into Fleming's non-fiction work, Thrilling Cities, giving Bond a German gun seems out of character.

Amis gives very favourable mention to another commentary I'd like to read, though I've no idea how to get hold of a copy. The Gunnery of James Bond, by Bob Glass, appeared in "Snakes Alive," the journal of the Belfast Medical School (Trinity 1963), and though I went to Queen's University I had no association with the medical side. I'll track it down some day, because Glass's writing, according to Amis, is full of "energy and obvious enjoyment," and he corrects Fleming not through malice but because he's another enthusiastic fan."Few men" (writes Amis of Fleming) "could be so often wrong and yet seem so thoroughly, effortlessly, copiously, multifariously, triumphantly right."Sounds like Kingsley was a bit of a fan, too.

Diane and I still have several boxes of LPs in the attic, and sooner or later they're going to be burned to CD, transcribed as MP3s or whatever. About three years ago I even bought a turntable with a built-in amp and various direct-to-computer connections, but the fact that about 90% of the recordings remain untouched gives some indication of the lack of urgency. It's one of the "I'll do it when I get around to it" things that everyone means to deal with eventually.

The notion wandered through my head again last night, when I wanted to listen to a particular piece of period music while writing - Pox on You for a Fop (yes, really) performed by The City Waites, and I realised it was still packed away in one of the LP boxes.

Out of curiosity I trawled the Net for any reference to my old hi-fi stuff. That was when I discovered that I couldn't remember most of their names...! All the low-to-mid-range amplifiers and tuner-amps ("receivers", as they were sometimes called) are gone, so there's no jolt of memory. The first and cheapest was an Amstrad, I'm sure of that, but its successors have vanished beyond recall.

Turntables are easier, because some of them - such as Garrard and Rega Planar, both machines I owned - are still going strong. The final one, a Goldring-Lenco, seems to be a bit of a collector's item; mine spent about 20 years in my Mum's attic and has probably been dumped by now, along with my Wharfedale speakers. It's funny to think that the couple of hundred quid I paid in the mid 1970s for a very basic system translates into enough for something very high-end nowadays...

I remember seeing a Punch cartoon years ago, of a chap staring at an entire symphony orchestra in his friend's living-room, while the friend tells him "On the whole, it's cheaper than a really good hi-fi system."

You can still try for that joke. Start with a turntable, a tonearm, a cartridge, an amplifier, a system rack to put them on, some cables (you'll need more than just one pair); and a set of speakers. Oh, and a record cleaner. It's good to see we've advanced beyond those little anti-static squeezy guns. Correction. I spoke too soon. However, the last time I bought one of these it cost IRL£4.99. Even allowing for inflation and a lousy rate of exchange, Ouch...

I found all those items on just one website, and decided not to look any further. For one thing, I was starting to get an image of all this kit being bought by someone with a single armchair in just the right spot between the speakers, and a solitary test record. He then manages to scratch his record, goes stark raving Doctor Phibes looney bonkers and commits a series of interesting hi-fi-themed murders.

How long would it take to scratch someone to death with a gramophone needle at a constant 33.3 rpm?

Once again, Ouch...

I spent yesterday working, deliberately didn't look even once at the Net, and today Diane tells me that this happened:

George MacDonald Fraser's Times obituary.

George MacDonald Fraser's Telegraph obituary.

George MacDonald Fraser's The Independent obituary.

So there'll be no more Flashman, and his last book (correcting Neil Gaiman here, who thought it was The Light's On At Signpost) was only that wretched nonsense The Reavers. I don't take back one word of what I posted last October, so though I might read a Flashman novel later on, right now I'm going to pull down The Pyrates. That's how entertaining anachronistic romps should be done.

Rest easy, Mr Fraser. You've become part of the history you wrote about so well.

...silly.

I've been going through the satellite channels, tagging stuff to watch, and as usual there's some good, some ho-hum, and some "This is Christmas programming? You have got to be kidding."

For the NatGeo/Discovery/History channel next year:Titanic, the Ultimate Mystery.

Did this ill-fated vessel really carry Da Vinci's sketch of an Egyptian mummy? Did a curse in secret Code really sink the ship? Or did Nazi sharks trained by Hitler himself really tow an iceberg into its path? Learn the hidden truth* behind a conspiracy of silence. *that the answer to all of these questions is "No" - but you'll have to watch the programme to find out.

There.

I couldn't fit in a reference to handguns, but otherwise that should keep everyone happy.

Advertising vocabularies differ depending on what's being sold. A sports car doesn't get the same write-up as a family saloon, and a laptop computer isn't described in the same high-tech language as an iPod. But there are some words which have crossed genres, and now seem to be applied with blind enthusiasm in the most unlikely places.

My current favourite is tactical.

You'll find it defined on Answers.com in various ways, but they quote the current U.S. Military Dictionary, which for this LJ entry seems more appropriate than most.tactical, adj.

Designed or implemented so as to gain a temporary limited advantage: short-range.

1. of, relating to, or constituting actions carefully planned to gain a specific military end.

2. (of bombing or weapons) done or for use in immediate support of military or naval operations. Often contrasted with strategic. This once-military-only term has since moved, via business, into more-or-less everyday use, but it's slipped its leash and like an unruly dog, is leaving traces of its passage in places where it shouldn't be allowed to go. (Mind your feet.)

There are a lot of websites which sell military, paramilitary and pseudomilitary paraphernalia. A lot of it is solidly practical: no matter how my-country-right-or-wrong patriotic they might be, everyone in the armed services is aware, sometimes uncomfortably so (such as when, just after takeoff, only 300 feet up and thus too low to bale out of a non-ejector-seat aircraft, the engine makes a small apologetic noise you've never heard before and don't want to hear again any time soon) that their ship, tank, plane, uniform, boots and weapon have all been build down to a budget by the lowest bidder. Small wonder they like to augment at least their personal equipment with something apparently better than issue kit.

Some of those non-issue items are described on websites that are both serious and sensible; others seem to be little more than a stage for testosterone-fuelled macho posturing. The level of aggression in the way items are described is a fair way to judge, though sometimes even the sensible sites get so over-excited they need a cold shower and a lie-down.

One word both sorts of site fling around with wild abandon is tactical, and even those who are a lot closer to "tactical reality" have noticed how silly things are getting. Tactical knives, tactical torches (flashlights), tactical pens (yes, really) tactical equipment webbing, tactical vests (multi-pocket military rather than Monty Python string). All very well, I suppose - but when you find the word being applied to the other sort of vest, as well as socks and underpants (Google for "tactical underwear" - you will find it) you do start to wonder whether the copy-writers need to be beaten around the head with a good military dictionary. The trouble with buzzwords is that they eventually become as annoying as any other buzz, be it feedback, mosquito or mechanical flaw, and are either ignored, swatted or fixed so that it can't be heard.

Of course, there are always those boxer-shorts with a little pocket for condoms, but though wearing such undies might provide "a temporary limited advantage at short range", I don't think tactical is quite the word for any subsequent encounter. And if it is, I don't want to know the details, thank you very much. "Fix bayonets..." "Present arms..." Oh dear oh dear.

The real problem with "tactical garments" isn't that the word (military in origin, remember) is misplaced when all this kit is worn by civilian wannabes. It's that with obesity being the problem it is, the civilians are frequently sometimes more, let's say circumferentially enhanced, than would be tolerated in the services. That's why I think military-style clothing made available to the civilian market shouldn't be listed as "tactical" after about size XL.

We're looking at the bigger picture here, so let's call them strategic - and in cases where "waistline" is more like "equator" we could even go as far as global.

Truth in advertising? I wait with bated breath.

...not a recreation of the Sistine Chapel!

But try telling that to Heston Blumenthal.

Diane and I recorded last week’s Further Adventures in Search of Perfection - the one about chili con carne – and watched it the other night with increasing amazement as he piled on layer after layer of daft, pointless elaboration.

The man hasn't a clue about how to cook with chilis, either: presented with something that used them - Oh look, they're in the name of the dish and everything! - he instantly reverted to Macho Man and went for the hottest he could find (or at least with the funniest name - Devil's Penis.) Someone should have let him try a Jolokia without telling him how hot it is; now that would have been really funny.

By over-doing it with the hot stuff, he made not only the addition of other chili varieties, used presumably because of their own individual flavour and character, an exercise in futility; he also defeated the intended purpose of every other tiresome time-wasting variation that he shoehorned in, by drowning all of them in one-note heat.

Von Blumenstein then stuck one of his sous-chefs - called Igor, I presume - into an MRI unit and fed him chili oil to see what would happen. It's called an endorphin rush, Heston, and it's an effect so well known there's been a sauce named after it for years.

Read the recipe and be appalled amazed; be warned, it goes on and on. And on. I doubt many people will think "Oh, must try this one." If they've made and enjoyed a chili from a much less complicated recipe than this one (most, if not all chili recipes on the planet qualify for that description) they might think other things entirely... Especially once they consider that Blumie's gadding about for these two series is financed (in part or entirely?) by the BBC license fee. Nice work if you can get it.



Chilli con carne

Preparation time: overnight.

Cooking time: over 2 hours.

In this recipe, Heston uses grams for both solid and liquid measurements for pinpoint accuracy. To weigh liquids, any suitable container can be placed on digital scales and the scales reset to zero.

Ingredients

For the short-rib brine
1kg/2¼lb water
100g/3½oz salt
300g/10½oz Jack Daniel's whiskey
8 beef short-ribs

For the kidney beans
1kg/2¼lb water
10g/½oz salt
300g/10½oz dried organic kidney beans
45 large on-the-vine cherry tomatoes

For the chilli powder blend
2-3 dried devil's penis chillies, de-seeded
2-3 dried bird's-eye chillies, de-seeded
1 tsp Somalian extra-hot chilli powder
10g/½oz sweet smoked paprika
10g/½oz Durango ground chilli powder
10g/½oz El Rey ground chilli powder
10g/½oz Madera ground chilli powder
20g/¾oz Pecos Red ground chilli powder
20g/¾ Rio Tejas ground chilli powder

For the stock
650g/1lb 7oz oxtail
1kg/2¼lb rib bones (ask your butcher to cut them so that they will fit into the pressure cooker)
flour, as needed
50g/1¾oz grapeseed or groundnut oil
1.5kg/3lb 5oz lean beef mince
25g/1oz unsalted butter
1 large onion, sliced
3 large leeks, white and pale green parts only, sliced
2 large carrots, sliced
2 tsp chilli powder blend
1 bottle red wine (preferably Syrah)
5 long peppers (pipenlongum, available through online shops)
10g/½oz fresh chives
10g/½oz fresh flatleaf parsley
10g/½oz fresh tarragon
2 fresh bay leaves

For the braised short-ribs
8 brined beef short-ribs
plain flour, for dusting
3-4 tbsp reserved fat from the stock
2 tsp chilli powder blend
1 large onion, sliced
4 large leeks, white and pale green parts only, sliced
3 large carrots, sliced
1 bottle red wine (preferably Syrah)
5 long peppers (pipenlongum, available through online shops)
1kg/2¼lb reserved beef stock
reserved kidney beans and their liquid

For the cipolline confit
250g/8¾oz peeled cipolline onions
10g/½oz salt
extra virgin olive oil, as needed
For the roasted peppers
4 red bell peppers
extra virgin olive oil, as needed

For the finishing butter
120g/4¼oz butter, softened to room temperature
20g/¾ chilli powder blend
5g/¼oz cumin
2 limes, zest and juice only
1 tsp Tabasco sauce
1 tsp Jack Daniel's whiskey
1 tsp finely grated Parmesan cheese
1 tsp tomato ketchup
½ tsp Worcestershire sauce

For the finished chilli con carne
3-4 tbsp (plus extra if needed) reserved fat from the stock
1kg/2¼lb lean beef mince (preferably dry-aged and free of gristle - ask your butcher)
40g/1½oz chilli powder blend
3 whole star anise
1 large onion, finely diced
5 large cloves of garlic, finely chopped
1 large carrot, finely diced
50g/1¾oz fresh jalapeno chilli, finely chopped
40g/1½oz tomato purée
600g/1lb 5oz Jack Daniel's whiskey
reserved short-ribs and their braising liquid
reserved kidney beans and their braising liquid
salt
reserved cipolline confit, drained of oil and cut into quarters
reserved roasted peppers
1 fresh jalapeno chilli, finely diced
finishing butter, as needed

For the muffins
300g/10½oz butter
560g/1lb 3¾oz canned sweetcorn
50g/1¾oz whole milk
200g/7oz double cream
250g/8¾oz plain flour
1½ tsp baking powder
190g/6¾oz caster sugar
100g/3½oz free-range eggs
pinch of salt
40g/1½oz water

For the sour cream ice cream
500g/1lb 2oz low-fat sour cream
500g/1lb 2oz crushed dry ice

Method
You will need the following special equipment: spice grinder, pressure cooker, muslin, oven thermometer, silicone muffin mould, food mixer, dry ice.

BRINING THE SHORT-RIBS
1. Combine the water and the salt in a storage container and stir from time to time to dissolve the salt.
2. Meanwhile, tip the Jack Daniel's into a small pan and slowly bring to the boil. As soon as it has reached boiling point, carefully ignite the alcohol with a match. (This removes the harsh, raw notes of the alcohol, but take care because it will go up with a large flame and will burn for some time on the hob.) Reduce it by half, then leave to cool completely before adding it to the pan of salted water.
3. Place the short-ribs in the brine. Cover and refrigerate for 12 hours.
4. Remove the ribs from the brine and place in a container of cold, fresh water. Allow to soak for six hours, changing the water regularly.

PREPARING THE KIDNEY BEANS
1. Combine the water and salt in a storage container and stir to dissolve the salt.
2. Tip the beans into the container, cover and refrigerate for 12 hours. This soaking step will help the finished beans to cook evenly and keep the skins from splitting during the cooking process.
3. Meanwhile, bring a large pan of water to the boil. Fill a large bowl with iced water (if ice is not available, use the coldest water from the tap).
4. Pull the tomatoes off the vine, reserving the vine. Remove the cores with a paring knife.
5. Cut the tomatoes into quarters and place in a sieve over a bowl. Sprinkle two teaspoons of salt over them and leave until about 100g/3½oz tomato juice has collected in the bowl.
6. Place the tomatoes and their juice in a small pressure cooker. Put on the lid and place over a high heat. When it reaches full pressure, cook for 20 minutes.
7. Remove from the heat and leave to cool. Once cool, remove the lid and place the tomatoes back on the hob. Cook over a high heat, stirring frequently, until the liquid has reduced by half, about 15 minutes.
8. Leave the tomatoes to cool again, then tip into a container. Add the reserved vines and cover (this will infuse the fresh, raw aroma of tomatoes on the vine into the liquid). Store this tomato liquid in the fridge until the beans have soaked.
9. Strain the beans and tip into a small pressure cooker. Remove the vines from the tomatoes. Add the tomatoes to the beans. If necessary, add some water so that the beans are covered.
10. Put on the lid and place over a high heat. When it reaches full pressure, cook for 25 minutes. Remove from the heat and leave to cool. Tip the beans and tomato sauce into a large container. Cover and store in the fridge until required.

MAKING THE CHILLI POWDER BLEND
1. Finely grind the chillies with a pestle and mortar or a spice grinder. Measure out half a teaspoon of each into a container.
2. Add the remaining ingredients and stir to combine. Cover and store until required.

MAKING THE STOCK
1. Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6. While the oven is heating, toss the oxtails and rib bones in flour to coat lightly. Place in a roasting tray and roast for 40-45 minutes, or until golden-brown, turning regularly.
2. Meanwhile, place a large pan over a high heat for at least five minutes. Add the oil and wait until it starts smoking - it must be hot enough so that the mince browns rather than stews. Add 1kg/2¼lb of the mince in batches, in a single layer, and stir until browned. You might need to deglaze the pan with water between batches if any crustiness develops in the bottom.
3. Discard the fat left in the pan and add the butter. Melt over a low heat, then add the onion, leeks and carrots and cook for ten minutes, or until soft. Scatter over the chilli powder, stir to combine and cook for an additional five minutes over a high heat to release the aromas of the chillies.
4. Turn the heat back to medium and deglaze the pan by adding the wine and scraping up all the bits stuck to the bottom while bringing it to the boil. Once the liquid has reduced by two-thirds, tip it and the vegetables into a small pressure cooker.
5. Add the cooked mince and the reserved raw mince, the roasted bones and the long peppers. Pour in enough water to entirely cover the ingredients. Put on the lid and place over a high heat. When it reaches full pressure, cook for two hours.
6. Take the pan off the heat and allow to depressurise. Remove the lid and add the herbs. Allow to infuse for 30 minutes.
7. Strain the stock and cool over ice or in the fridge.
8. When cool, remove all the fat that has come to the top and reserve.
9. Tip the stock into a large pan and place over a high heat. Reduce by half, skimming constantly to remove any remaining fat and impurities. Leave to cool, then store in the fridge until required.

BRAISING THE SHORT-RIBS
1. Dust the ribs on all sides with flour. Melt the reserved fat in a large cast-iron casserole over a high heat. When the fat starts smoking add the ribs in batches. Sear on each side (1-2 minutes) until golden-brown. Remove the ribs from the pan and set aside.
2. Lower the heat to medium. Add the chilli powder blend to the pan and fry quickly for around two minutes to release the flavour into the oil. Add the onion, leeks and carrots and cook for 15-20 minutes, or until the vegetables are lightly caramelised, stirring occasionally.
3. Pour in the wine and bring to the boil, scraping up all the bits stuck to the bottom of the pan. Meanwhile, line the inside of a storage container or pan with a piece of muslin large enough to hold all the vegetables. Once the wine has reduced by two-thirds, tip the vegetables out of the casserole into the lined container. Tie up the muslin and return the 'bag' to the casserole, also returning the liquid that has drained into the container.
4. Preheat the oven to 140C/275F/Gas 1.
5. Add the short-ribs, plus the reserved stock and kidney beans in tomato sauce to the casserole. Cover the dish first with cling film, then with aluminium foil, and place in the oven for five hours.
6. Remove the casserole from the oven and leave to cool. Squeeze the excess juice from the muslin bag, then discard the bag and its contents.
7. Transfer the short-ribs to a large container. Use a slotted spoon to remove the beans and place them in a separate large container.
8. Skim off any fat from the braising liquid and strain through a sieve. Divide the liquid between the two containers, covering the beans and the short-ribs. Store the meat and beans in the fridge until required.
9. After the short-ribs have been stored for a few hours, remove the meat from the gelatinous liquid, brushing off any excess jelly, and place on a chopping board. Remove the meat from the bone and discard both the bones and any heavy connective tissue.
10. Using a fork, shred the meat into long pieces where it wants to separate naturally.
11. Return this shredded meat to the gelatinous liquid, submerging it to keep it from drying out. Store in the fridge until needed.

MAKING THE CIPOLLINE CONFIT
1. Season the onions with the salt and place in a pan in a single layer. Cover with olive oil.
2. Cook over a low heat until the onions are completely tender. Transfer to a storage container and chill in the oil.

PREPARING THE ROASTED PEPPERS
1. Preheat the grill until very hot.
2. Core and halve the peppers, and remove the white pith and seeds.
3. Put the pepper halves, skin side up, on a grill pan and brush them with olive oil. Place under the hot grill and leave them until they are black.
4. Remove the blackened peppers from the grill and wrap immediately in cling film. Set aside for ten minutes.
5. Unwrap the peppers and peel off the blackened skin.
6. Cut the peeled peppers into 1cm/½in cubes and store in the fridge until needed.

MAKING THE FINISHING BUTTER
1. In a small pan heat 20g/¾oz of the butter with the chilli powder blend and cumin, and fry lightly. Transfer this mixture to a heatproof bowl and allow to cool to room temperature.
2. Blanch the lime zest briefly in boiling water, refresh in cold water and then mince finely.
3. Add the zest and all the other ingredients to the butter mixture. Fold together until everything is evenly mixed. Transfer to a storage container and keep refrigerated.

ASSEMBLING THE CHILLI CON CARNE
1. Place a large pan over a high heat for at least five minutes. Add the reserved fat. When smoking hot, add the mince in batches and cook until evenly browned. Between batches deglaze with water as needed and save all of the bits and liquid that is collected.
2. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the mince to a bowl or plate, leaving the fat in the pan. Deglaze the pan with a little water to remove the bits of meat stuck to the bottom. Add these bits to your browned meat.
3. Turn the heat down to medium and add a bit more of the fat. Add the chilli powder blend and fry briefly, adding more fat if needed.
4. Crush the star anise and bag it in a square of muslin. Add this and the onion to the pan and cook for 10-15 minutes, or until the onion is soft and caramelised.
5. Turn the heat down to low, then add the garlic, carrot and jalapeno chilli. Cook for about ten minutes, or until soft.
6. Add the tomato purée and cook until it becomes a deep brick-red colour.
7. Deglaze the pan by turning the temperature up to medium and adding the Jack Daniel's. (Be careful as the whiskey will flame.) Bring it to the boil, then scrape up all the bits stuck to the bottom.
8. Add the browned mince plus the short-ribs and their liquid to the pan. Stir in the reserved kidney beans and braising liquid and simmer over a low heat for 40 minutes. Adjust the seasoning to taste with salt. At this point it is best to cool and store the chilli, and finish it later that day or the next. However, you can continue now if you wish.
9. If you have allowed your chilli to cool, reheat it over a low heat. Adjust the seasoning with salt and the chilli powder blend if necessary.
10. Add the cipolline confit, roasted peppers and diced jalapeno. Fold together, being careful not to break the delicate beans.
11. Fold in the finishing butter to give a fresh acidity and glossy sheen to the sauce. The amount that you add depends on your personal preference.

MAKING THE CORN MUFFINS
1. Preheat the oven to 190C/375F/Gas 5, using an oven thermometer to check it. Lightly butter and flour a large muffin tin or use a silicone muffin mould.
2. Melt 25g/1oz of the butter in a large pan or casserole. Add the corn and fry over a medium heat for 2-3 minutes.
3. Pour in the milk and double cream and simmer over a low heat for five minutes.
4. Tip the corn mixture into a food processor and blend until smooth. Push this mixture through a fine sieve and set aside. Discard what's left in the sieve.
5. With the rest of the butter, make beurre noisette. Put the butter in a pan over a medium heat. When the butter stops sizzling (a sign that all the water has evaporated, after which it will burn) and develops a nutty aroma, remove it from the heat immediately. Strain it into a jug and leave to cool until needed. Discard the blackened solids in the sieve.
6. Sift the flour and baking powder into a bowl. Add the caster sugar.
7. Whisk the eggs and salt together, then pour into the dry mixture, along with the water and 225g/8oz of the reserved creamed corn.
8. Pour the beurre noisette into the muffin mixture and stir. (Try to avoid tipping in any sediment that may have collected at the bottom of the jug.)
9. Spoon the muffin mixture into the prepared tin or mould and bake for 20-25 minutes, or until a pale golden-brown.

MAKING THE SOUR CREAM ICE CREAM
1. Crush the dry ice either briefly in a food processor or by wrapping in a tea towel and beating with a rolling pin.
2. Tip the sour cream into the bowl of a food mixer. Mix on a medium speed while adding small amounts of crushed dry ice until the sour cream is thick and nearly frozen.
3. Use a spoon to scrape the mixture into a rectangular mould, and place in the freezer to harden for one hour.
4. Unmould the ice cream and serve immediately.


Well, I suppose he has to justify his Michelin stars and the prices to match, but there's an old saying about silk purses and sow's ears. Texican Chili con carne is no sow's ear, but it's no silk purse, either; more a tooled-leather saddlebag decorated with silver conchos. Gucci or Vuitton need not apply. Its peasant, or at least migrant-cattle-herder (cowboy) roots can't and shouldn't be ignored no matter how much it's dressed up, because they'll pop out when you least expect it and give you a surprise. My Fair Chili, anyone?

Quite apart from all the Ooh-look-at-me-aren't-I-clever additions (cipolline confit? finishing butter? carrots!? OMGWTF?), what made both of us roll our eyes was his surprise, expressed not once but twice, that cumin is such a major spice in chili. He didn't know? He didn't think to do a little bit of research on basic chili ingredients before fronting a program about it?

That's like being surprised to find people sometimes sprinkle vinegar on fish and chips. And it's not exactly a new development, either:

Cumin: cumin is what gives chili its distinctive flavor. This musky seasoning is usually used as a ground spice; however, chili connoisseurs toast the whole cumin seed in a small dry frying pan, then grind it before adding to the chili. Toasting the seed enhances its flavor. - The Real Chili Cookbook, Marjie Lambert 1996.

Cumin: this spice is as essential as chili powder. The generous use of cumin is a hallmark of Tex-Mex cooking, clearly separating it from the more subtle touch south of the border. - The Mahattan Chili Co. Southwest American Cookbook, Michael McLaughlin 1986.

The dispute over the most authentic chile con carne is topped only by the "with or without beans" debate. The original recipe probably included a few wild onions, garllic, chili peppers and meat, Cumin, a treasured spice kept under lock and key in the kitchen of the Governor's palace in San Antonio, became a key ingredient. - Cuisine of the American Southwest, Anne Lindsay Greer 1983.

(from a pre-WW2 recipe, chili seasoning for 3lbs of cubed beef): 1 level teaspoonful of powdered oregano, 1 level tablespoon of crushed cumin seeds, 1 level tablespoonful of salt, 1 level tablespoon of powdered cayenne pepper, 1 tablespoonful of Tabasco sauce, chopped garlic cloves to taste, but at least two. - A Bowl of Red, Francis X. Tolbert 1966.

It's possible to fill an entire bookshelf - an entire wall of bookshelves - with volumes just about chili variants; I've got almost a dozen of these, among the couple of score of more generic "hot and spicy" cookbooks.

One thing's clear: the more traditional a chili is, the plainer it is, until you reach the basic version. This is simply meat (not minced, but chopped into ½-inch dice, though it's possible to buy very coarse "chili-grind" in the US) cooked with hot peppers, oregano, cumin, chopped garlic, and nothing else. No onions, no tomatoes, and definitely no beans. There are theories about that: one is that putting beans in, or serving them with, your chili suggested that you were stretching things, being either too poor or too cheap to buy enough meat. Another (this is the Deep South, butting against the Mexican border, so no surprise that it's racist) is that they were "beaner" or "greaser" food, so not eaten by white folks. Your choice.

Truly-trad chili is too stark for any but purists (or researchers), but it's possible to go too far in the other direction. That can raise passions: I don't know the exact US equivalent of a football hooligan or lager lout, but if you want to experience a Full and Free Exchange of Opinions, chili is as good a way to start as any. And they usually have guns, too.

It's just as well Blumenthal went to a chili cook-off in Washington DC rather than one in Texas. If they'd found out what he had in mind for the State Dish, he'd never have got out alive.